yaaaaaay filegarden is back online. I have been playing more video games as of late. idk wtf im doing with blasphemous but im playing that shit i guess. also im downloading disco elysium. I hope my old file saves are still on my puter. Also i have cut out all chocolate from my diet and now I dont have cystic acne anymore. I have won but at what cost?

well well well. Looks like filegarden has been down for like 2-3 days now and my web site has been filled with broken links. Oh well. it is what it is. I have tranferred the main thing to catbox so this place dosent look like complete ass. fuck it im just gonna wait this one out and start posting my art of social media or telegram like a normal person

One of my friends invited me to a telegram channel where he posts all his fursona fanart (most of it is art that other people have made from what i know he cant draw). Its sometimes NSFW. Im not gonna lie theres some part of me that wants to kms when scrolling though it. It isnt bc of the art skill. or maybe it is? normally when i see an artist more skilled than me im more motivated to see how they make their shit. I think this a entirely diffrent feeling than that. This again just makes me want to kms. I dont know why. I have complicated feelings about this art channel. Its my Duchamp fountain. its my warhols Campbell's Soup Cans. that was a really bad comparison. those 2 dont have any technical merit - whatever man.

I think i just really need to lock in and make my poses more dynamic or something like that

I just remembered a memory from a couple of years ago. I think around late 2010s early 2020s i created a new deviantart account to post my art on it. at this point i was pretty ok at making art. Not good not bad just ok. I had a deviantart account when i was a kid around 12-13 and i had requests open and literally nobody asked for shit so when i created this account i thought that would also be the case. I was wrong. Like within a week of posting art on that account I had like half a dozen requests from randos and it got overwhelming pretty quickly. I think the straw that broke the camels back was this one message that some1 sent me that went like "hey heres my oc can you draw her as big as a skyscraper stomping around a big city? :)" and like... complete ARROGANCE to expect me to draw you free fetish material. If im drawing fetish material especially fetish mateial that im not into then i want cold hard CASH. so i abandoned that account pretty quickly lamo.

For some reason the arrow directory buttons download a .htm file on my computer and idk if thats the case on other computers. If this happens to you then... Its probably not a virus and if it is then take comfort that im fucked aswell becasue i have downloaded that shit too

Waow I am in such a good headspace right now. #thriving.

I just got my new T prescription after not being on it for awhile. I think the whole reason why I stopped is because i felt nothing while i was on T. T helped me in alot of ways, like it helped my anxiety, it helped with my cleanliness, It helped with my productivity, it helped me with my anger management issues, It helped with the brain fog that i didnt know that i had, it also made me feel nothing like my feelings were underwater and that felt... Bad well not bad but i felt like that shouldnt be happening. Like my anger and anxiety wernt resolved just numbed. IDK i discussed this issue with the doctor at the sexual health clinic and she just said "ohhhh well new hormones are supposed to make you feel different :)" and like fuck you? such a non answer it makes me angry just thinking about it. i dont want platitudes i want solutions. I want to actually feel something on T. Like ive been off of T for months now and yeah sure the emotions have come back but (like before I went on T) only the bad ones. my anxiety has become unbearable again. I constatnly have this "I have trouble breathing but not really" feeling. I always feel this paralysing dread that makes it scary to interact with people that i like or really go outside sometimes. My sleep schedule has turned to shit again. I have this sort of mania that feels like happiness i guess? So thats a thing that i have going for me. the numbness was worrying but I dont think i can go on living like this. I feel like im regressing. FUCK.

I fucking hate apple so much its unreal. what the fuck do you mean you dont have a safe way to unmount a external drive from an ipad? "uwu sowwy we didnt want to puwt it in becawse we wanted owr apps to be pwetty" FUCK YOU I DONT WANT MY EXTERNAL DRIVE TO FUCKING BRICK ITSELF WHEN UNPLUGGING IT OFF OF YOUR SHITTY DEVICE.

Sony released 30 models of Clié PDAs between 2000 and 2004. pic.twitter.com/78KpsXKadC

— Obsolete Sony (@ObsoleteSony) January 29, 2025

this is everything i ever wanted out of a phone. it makes me sad that most companys dont make shit like this anymore.

Holy fucking shit. after all these years i have finally found it. This fucking music video ruined my life. I saw it on the TV when I was a child and now im like this. I blame it for all my woes and neuroses. ROBBIE WILLIAMS. WHEN I DIE IF YOU ARENT IN HELL IM GOING TO DRAG YOU TO HELL MYSELF.

so like im not gonna lie, imo theres something really poetic about andy warhols work being burned in a fire that was largely caused by climate change. from what i remember from my year 13 art history class andy warhols whole deal is that he was depicting the hyper consumerist culture that was happening in america at the time, with the world wars ending and america being like... wealthy n shit. Idk if it was intentional on his part, it couldve been or it couldve been that he was just depicting what was happening around him. anyways this chain of actions feels... complete? like a social experiment decades in the making coming into fruition. idk.

They belonged in a museum! pic.twitter.com/fQYXcMVAOS

— Patrick T Shepherd (@PatrickTShep) January 14, 2025

I saw a youtube video about idk... it mightive been about vivienne westwood it might've not. All that i remember about it is that the creator of the video made a quip about "oh hahaha The Sex Pistols were these punks but they endorsed vivienne westwood who went into high fashion look at how hypocritical they are" which like... fuck you? first of all vivienne westwood wasnt in the high fashion industry at that point so they were just supporting a local fashion designer. sorry that those fuckers didnt have future vision i guess? why do youtubers do this? why do they shoot themselves in the foot for something quippy and smart on the surface but falls apart once you even start to do your own research? I didnt even do anything in-depth I just searched up "vivienne westwood history" and I found out that shit was weird. I didnt even finish the youtube video bc of that.

Aight so another tangent. I have had this website for like... nearing 6 years at this point. as corny as it sounds this website feels like a old friend. Its gone though so many iterations and im surprised that I havent abandoned it let alone made it prestentable. I have never told anybody in real life about it and that was intentional. My logbook entry's can come off as a little too personal for peoples tastes and I feel like if somebody irl knew that I had an aversion to puppy roleplay shit becasue i saw a undertail comic about it one time id shrivel up and die. but IDGAF if any of you know that shit because you dont know me! and i dont know you. I feel like if my irl friends found this website it would feel less like a friend and more like the panopticon. and i think that would make me more likely to abandon it. Before some1 says something like "oh just delete the logbook html files if you're so scared problem solved" but its not JUST that its the scrapbook, its the art that i post, its everything. Everything i would post would have this added layer of "people you know will see this" and shit like that adds up. If that makes any sense. IDK. Maybe im just thinking about this too much. Maybe I should grow a spine and not give a fuck what my irl friends think. Maybe its a little too egotistical to think about myself this much. If only. If only. IF FUCKING ONLY aaaaaAAAAAAA shark week is beating my ass right now I'm not gonna lie. I have too much shit on my mind. I need to be sedated. I need to be old yeller'd. I need my nerves to not be on fire. I need to get my beathing under control.

just cleaned out a bunch of stuff from the 2024 logbook bc sure why not.

For christmas as a treat I bought a chromebook the cheapest one on the market (its refurbished) and I forgot how bad chromeos is bc i havent used a chromebook since i graduated high school. its so restrictive. I'm not going to lie its kinda insulting how hard it is to install other OS on there. Like For my chromebook you had to OPEN IT UP and unplug the battery and run a 3rd party software so it could override the current software and give an actual boot up system that works! Why did they do this? Is it bc they know their OS sucks? who knows I'm not a nerd

-

On another note i have made another vcv thing. It is called "Random hitting" and I'm NGL i dont know what im doing in VCV rack.

FUCK YOU ITS JANUARY! last year i went to a new years party! it was cool, I talked to people!!! and i did an all nighter and drew shit when everybody was sleeping just becuase. Anyways i feel my body withering away due to the lack of sleep am going into a deep slumber for a couple of hours. or days.

asjkdjkasnckajsnkdj

kalsdklashdljksamdaslkmxklsa,